Investigative Selfism

This weekend, I was on the beach, calming my mind and letting my thoughts simply pass through me. My mind was so peaceful, it was great.

Except it’s completely not true.

My mind was buzzing, one thought after another, a flow I could barely track, let alone “let be”.

So what the hell was happening there?!

I don’t know how it is for you, but for me, being on the beach can be the opposite of “chill time.”

Outerly, I could be just sitting there in the sun, trying not to expose my Kindle to direct sunlight, usually very unsuccessfully. But my god, if I don’t have my Kindle nearby and my beach companions are in the water, my mind is sooooo not cool.

“But…but…I’m in the nature, damn it, I should be all quiet and still!”

But apparently, one just can’t shame herself into stillness 💁🏽‍♀️

So what are those reflections that stemmed from this intense busyness?

One, how much work there can be related to my body image — and self-image in general.

I went on a rollercoaster of “No, but I look fine!” to “It’s not about looks anyway…” to “No, it’s not about looks, but I’m happy to be taking care of myself to be physically capable to do the things I want to do…” to “Yes, and there’s a next level for me on that journey, too!” to “But it’s not coz of societal pressures, it’s because I want to…” and MY LORD it continued for hours.

I was able to be very gentle with myself on that rollercoaster (yessss, the work I’ve done on my self-talk 🙏🏾) and remind myself I am worthy of love and belonging just as I am and that there’s “nothing wrong with me”.

But the fact that it’s difficult to escape analyses of societal pressures – even if I’m trying to reject them – even in a place that’s supposed to be “an escape” is kinda not fun in itself.

Two, it was a strong reminder that if I don’t learn how to quiet my mind a little bit, external conditions – like being in the nature – won’t be able to magically do it for me.

I know that time in nature lowers our cortisol levels so there ARE effects that this experience has on me if I want it or not (and oh my, yes please, who doesn’t want less cortisol?!).

But just being in a beautiful place doesn’t guarantee a beautiful still mind. I think it helps, but the nature alone can’t do that work for me. And my lord, if my mind can make me feel busy (and miserable sometimes!) even when I’m at a place that’s objectively lovely, is this the inner world I want to stay in?

It really isn’t.

So if my thoughts create my reality, I have to make sure I’m creating a nice and healthy one. Every day. Not just when I’m at the beach but when I’m sitting at home with a big sweater and double socks on (which is many environments for me).

And if I want to “have it ready” for my next beach experience, I have to work on my mindfulness now. Like, today.

Luckily, I know a lot of teachers and other resources that are always by my side! Instead of awkwardly trying to list them, I have a separate menu section for you to check out here.

How I see it, I have a whole roulette of books, talks, podcasts, and courses that I can always just check out again: “Should I listen to a Dharma talk by Jack Kornfield, do a meditation by Mooji, or read a bit of one of Michael Singer‘s books?”

Because all of them do something to my mind. And all them make my heart expand.

I wish everyone has a personalised roulette like this. But if you don’t, you can definitely start by using what’s on mine ❤️

Not only to be able to enjoy the beach next time you’re there. But because you deserve a reality that’s loving, encouraging, and doesn’t seem like an unstoppable flow of craziness that doesn’t serve you.

Justina

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PS. Here’s my episode on why shaming ourselves is not a good strategy for anything:

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