“Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.”
Brené Brown
Shame is a highly destructive emotion — you DEFINITELY don’t wanna stay there.
Ideally, you wouldn’t even fall into the spiral of shame in the first place.
So what can you actually do here?
Out of all the potentially fun spirals, the spiral of shame is definitely not a fun ride.
When you’re in shame, you tend to close off. You think you’re flawed, unworthy of love and connection, and you don’t want to be found out.
Think of any situation when you were feeling bad about yourself but didn’t want to share it with your friends: it’s quite likely you were somewhere in that spiral already, in fear to be judged for being “not good enough”.
Maybe you were having a hard time at a new job you were so happy to take on?
Maybe you said something inconsiderate to your parents?
Overreacted and shouted at a stranger? (ouch)
Whatever it is, noticing you’re in shame and taking the steps to leave it as soon as possible is a great skill.
So what can you do?
I’d say, two things help enormously.
One, reframe what happened and how you’re feeling in terms of guilt, not shame.
That’s moving from “I am bad” to “I did something bad”.
“Thanks, Justina, guilt sounds great…” you might think, but hear me out!
No, literally, hear me out: I have a whole episode on the difference between guilt and shame and how guilt is a much healthier feeling to process. Instead of pushing your emotions and saying everything’s fine, you can choose to acknowledge what you’re feeling, take ownership of it, yet without being so hard on yourself.
Two, socialise what you’re feeling.
The same Brené Brown (…who I quote in every other post, I know) says that, according to her research, there’s one thing that shame cannot survive in, and that is light.
Talking about your experience – ideally with someone who can truly listen and stay with you in empathy and not judgement – is what makes your shame go away. Empathy is the antidote to shame, she says, and I bet all of us have experienced that. It’s the feeling of our shoulders relaxing after a friend tells you, “Awww, it’s OK”, or “Ah, I know how it feels…”
So if you’re feeling ashamed of something, please remember it’s a feeling that serves no good purpose: you can get our life lessons without beating yourself up, and you can move forward through empathy — something you give so much of but sometimes forget you are worthy of receiving, too ❤️
For another dive into a topic of shame, please see my video below:
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Investigative Selfism 
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